My Sweet Rowan,
I can’t believe we are here. It’s your first birthday, and yet, the memories of when we first met feel like yesterday. Life with you has been nothing short of an adventure. From the moment I found out you were a boy baking away in my belly the adventure set sail. I think back to those weeks I spent crying about not knowing how to be a Mom to a little boy, and it makes me want to start crying again, not because I was right, but because being a Mom to a little boy is nothing short of amazing, and most days I feel like I don’t deserve you. I will always carry guilt for those moments, but those moments are what make our relationship so special. When I heard your sweet little cry for the first time I knew every fear I had been carrying with me all those months didn’t matter anymore, and then when I saw your sweet chubby face for the first time my heart was never the same.
The months that followed were hard, but oh so worth it. You were worth walking out of all those Doctor’s offices, worth being told I was “making up” your allergies, and totally worth all those stressed out meltdowns I had. You were worth every sleepless night, all the anxiety that surrounds allergies, and all the times I convinced myself I was failing you. You were worth every single one of those moments, and I would do them all over again. We have weathered so many storms together in your short life, but where there’s a storm there’s a rainbow, and in these storms you have been the brightest rainbow.
I hope I always remember your infectious laugh, the way your chubby feet barely fit into shoes, and those chunky little thighs of yours. The way your eyes study my face as I feed you a bottle, the way you have to hold my hand as you’re falling asleep, or the way some part of you has to be touching me while you sleep, even if that means cutting off my air supply with some part of your body. I hope I always remember the way you yell at the blender when it’s blending, the way you and your Sister squeal together to communicate, and the way you blow raspberries when I ask you to say, Mama. The way curl your head into my neck when you are tired, and the way you share your pacifier by shoving it in my mouth. I hope I always remember why you earned the self explanatory nickname Bam Bam, and the way you dance to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. The way you dramatically throw yourself on the floor while your bottle is warming, and the way you light up as soon as I open the car door to get you out. I hope I always remember how you meet your Dad at the door as soon as you hear the garage opening, and the way you flop on top of the cat if she’s near you. One day she’ll learn not to sit near you, but until then you’ll keep flopping on top of her. I hope I always remember these things because time is fleeting, and I thought I had time to soak all these moments in only to be met with your first birthday sooner than I was ready for.
My sweet boy, what a year it’s been. Thank you for showing me just how special this Boy Mom gig is, I will treasure this title forever. I pray you know just how much you are loved today, and always. Happy Birthday Rowan Levi.
Your allergies kept us from enjoying a traditional smash cake, so we smashed watermelons instead, which was way more fun! Thank you to The Little Ham for his Wild One Tee, it’s describes our little man’s first year perfectly!