Now that we are all aware of what my mental state was like in 2017, I thought it would be a great time to share my hopes for 2018 with one simple word. If you missed that memo, you can clue in to my 2017 here.
Every year, I like to reflect on the previous year and use one word to focus on in the new year. I’ve done generic words like growth or courage. Actually, I shouldn’t say generic, because at the time they meant something really big for that year, but 2017 broke me down and so I feel like my word for 2018 holds many different meanings into one single, powerful word.
Rebuild. You may be thinking what the heck does that mean and why is it oh, so powerful?
I lost myself in 2017. I didn’t know who I was or where I had gone. I was simply existing. My insecurities ate me alive, my anxiety told me I wasn’t good enough, and my lost soul believed every negative word I said to myself. My anxiety and stress caused me to lose weight I didn’t have to lose. I know some of you must be thinking, oh gee, what a terrible problem. But, for me, it is a problem. When you’re 5 foot and 95lbs soaking wet, losing any kind of weight is incredibly noticeable. The harder part is not being able keep it on, no matter what I do. I’ve spent the majority of my life battling accusations of an eating disorder because when I go through bouts of stress where the weight falls off, people automatically assume I’ve done it intentionally. Trust me y’all, eating is not the problem, I enjoy all things food. And side tangent, if you are so concerned with anyone’s weight you should come from a place of love, not accuse people, constantly tell them to eat something, or for the love of all things holy, do not tell them they look sick. I’ve spent the last half of 2017 wallowing in the fact that I cannot keep a single pound I gain on this tiny little frame of mine, wondering if people are whispering at how frail I look, and doing anything and everything I can to camouflage the skinny.
I let my circumstances affect everything from this blog to the way I Mother. I was half the wife I should’ve been, and while present for my children, my patience ran thin because of my own unhappiness. It’s a little sobering writing that out because that mom guilt eats me alive. I’m still trying to find grace in the fact that even on my worst days, I’m still a damn good mother. Fortunately, that’s that beautiful thing about unconditional love, is even at your worst, your family loves you like you’re at your very best.
I honestly don’t know how I still have a blog with as many times I disappeared from this space last year. I couldn’t muster up the strength to write without fear of letting the world see I was breaking. It wasn’t until I finally got brave enough to share a look at my struggle that you all embraced me with open arms. A moment, I’m still so humbled by.
Finally, with the courage to ask for help, support from my Husband, unwavering love from my children, and my loyal readers rallying behind me, I was able to find my most meaningful and powerful “word of the year” to date.
It’s time I rebuild. I will not let anxiety will not rule my year. I will not let my weight rule my year. I will not let my insecurities rule my year. Instead, I will rule my year, and I will rebuild. I will rebuild this blog, I will rebuild my relationship with God, I will rebuild my love as a Wife and Mother, and I will rebuild the broken me.
I will rebuild in 2018.